In between being nice and a jerk: On assertiveness and confrontation

6thFeb'25

The theme of assertion has lately been a recurring topic of consideration in my life and circle of friends. It's challenging to be assertive in the right way, the context always matters. How one can be assertive with one’s close friends or friends or strangers is quite different. Same goes for family - parents/siblings/distant relatives. And work - colleagues/managers/clients.

“Assertive communication involves standing up for your own rights but with respect for the rights of others.” Standing up for your own rights is hard and respecting the rights of others is also hard. Doing both at the same time is a complicated equation and I am disappointed nobody taught me the nuances of that. In general, people would assume I am assertive, but they would be mistaking my aggression and boldness for assertiveness. Aggression is for the weak. I have often internalized my emotions and then ended up with resentment. Let me break the two parts of the definition down:

1. Standing up for your own rights:

At work, it's tricky to be assertive when there is a power dynamic at play. I have often seen people exhibit kindness only to the people “above” them and honesty only to the ones “below”. All of us are guilty of this to some extent.

With personal relationships, it’s challenging to be assertive when approaching from a position of vulnerability. To be assertive, you have to first admit to an emotion which in your head might make you feel weak or small.

2. Respect for the rights of others:

No rocket science here but one can hardly get this right. You might decide and execute your assertion in the most respectable way. For example, you were calm, explicit and addressing the issue (and not attacking the person). But the counterparty gets too defensive or volatile. This is unfortunately a test that every relationship must undergo.

If you try to be assertive and the counterparty respects and both of you have a conversation about it, that's golden. If you were strangers, you probably are friends now. If you were friends earlier, congratulations! Your friendship is stronger than ever before.

However, if the counterparty is unable to process your assertion in a positive manner, you need not regret it. It might be painful, and they might think you are grade A jerk, but you have gained a valuable data point. You can choose to use this data point to draw boundaries with the person accordingly. If you keep doing this, life will keep on getting better. You now can express yourself freely with people you want to be around.

Don’t get me wrong, you will suffer for a while but in the long term you will always win.